Page 20 - volume1

one word or feel anything within me, I came to know, then,
that it was not my fantasy, as I would say many times before;

so much so that, of what has been said up to here, I would not
say anything, either to the confessor or to any other living
soul. But I did as much as I could to correspond to Him,
otherwise He would wage such a war against me, that I would

have no peace. Ah Lord! You have been so good to me; and
I, still so bad.

Continuing what I had started, I would feel Him within
me, I would hug Him, I would clasp Him to myself, and say
to Him: “Beloved Good, see how bitter our separation has

been for me.”

And He would say to me: “What you have gone through is

nothing yet prepare yourself for harder trials. This is why I
have come to dispose your heart and to fortify it. Now you
will tell Me everything you have gone through your doubts
and fears, all of your difficulties, that I may Teach you how to

conduct yourself during My absence.”

So I would make Him the narration of my pains, telling Him:

“Lord, You see, without You I was unable to do anything good.
The meditation I did it all distracted, ugly; so much so that I
would not have the courage to offer it to You at Communion.
I was unable to stay there for hours, as when I could feel You;

I saw myself alone, I had no one with whom to converse, I
felt completely empty. The pain of Your absence made me

experience mortal agonies; my nature wanted to hurry up so
as to escape that pain; more so, since it seemed to me that I
would do nothing but waste time, with the fear that, in coming
back, You might chastise me because I had not been faithful.

So I didn’t know what to do. And then, the pain that You are
continuously offended, and of not knowing when to do, as You

taught me before, those acts of Reparation, those visits to the
Most Holy Sacrament for the different offenses You receive.
Tell me a little bit, then, what should I have done?”

20