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\(since these dins occurred mostly at night); but even there,
they would follow me, pulling the pillow and the blankets.

Now, who can say the fright, the fear I felt? I myself did
not know where I was, whether on earth or in hell. The fear
that they would really take me away was such that I could no

longer close my eyes to sleep. I was like one who has a cruel
enemy who has sworn to take his life away at any cost; and

I believed that this would happen to me as soon as I would
close my eyes. Therefore I felt as if someone put something
inside of them, in such a way that I was forced to keep them
wide open to see when they were going to take me away

who knows, I might pluck up the strength to oppose what they
wanted to do. I felt my hair stand on end, one by one over
my head; a cold sweat throughout my whole person, which

penetrated deep into my bones; and I felt my nerves and bones
being disjointed, one by one, and wriggling about out of fear.

Other times, I felt incited to such temptations of

desperation and of suicide, that sometimes, finding myself
close to the well or to a knife, I felt drawn to throw myself
into it, or to take the knife and kill myself. The effort I had

to make in order to run away was so great, that I felt pains
of death; and while running away, I felt them come after me,
suggesting to me that it was useless for me to live after I had
committed so many sins, and that God had abandoned me

because I had not been faithful. Even more, I felt as if I had
done many wicked deeds, which no soul in the world had

ever committed; therefore for me there was no more mercy
to hope for. In the depth of my soul I felt repeat: “How can
you live as enemy of God? Do you know Who that God is,
whom you have so much offended, cursed, hated? Ah! that

immense God who surrounded you everywhere and you,
under His very eyes, have dared to offend Him. Ah! now that
you have lost the God of your soul, who will ever give you

peace? Who will free you from so many enemies?”

The pain was such that I did nothing but cry. Sometimes

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